Where Art Thou?

Republished for the purpose of this blogathon that is supported by Woo, The most popular match making app in India with a base of over 3.5 million users.”

Dear Future Husband,

How are you doing?

I am well and have been searching for you high and low. Where exactly are you hiding? Are you under the table or behind the curtains? Are you sitting inside the oven or in the attic?

Or are you on another planet altogether. (If so, please let me know so that I may walk across the galaxy and come visit you)

I ask because everybody and his second cousin three times removed and her hamster have been very worried about you and your existence. They say that if you haven’t surfaced yet, the chances of you doing so now seem remote.

Really, is that true? I am extremely offended by your behavior.

I am an awesome person, you know. I can achieve impossible feats. Here’s a list of things that I have actually managed to do –

  1. I had managed to put my foot in my mouth at the tender age of 2 months, and have done it again and again, everyday of my life now. I know for a fact that, that record remains unchallenged till date.
  2. I also speak Alienese, something that no real human has been able to do yet.
  3. Apart from the above two mind-numbing feats, I can also laugh like a hyena, a mad woman and a witch at the same time. Do you need a sample right now?
  4. I can talk nonsense for hours, without getting tired. Your ears would ache, and I still wouldn’t know. You would probably fall asleep, but I, would still keep at it. If you manage to stay awake, you may decide to walk away, in which case, I would be left staring at the wall, waiting for it to respond. But, I shall not complain ever.

It isn’t easy to get all this done at such a young age as mine. It takes a lot of practice, hard work, perseverance – sitting idle for hours without any distraction, talking to fictional characters intently and patiently waiting for them to reply. They take their own sweet time, you know.

I am also great at cooking. I keep trying new recipes occasionally, which you will get to sample before anyone else. You have the chance to tell me what is burnt, what is undercooked and what has excess salt. I wouldn’t dream of letting anyone do that before you have had the chance to sample my culinary delicacies. You, and only you, would be my guinea pig. And you absolutely must try the tea I brew. You would very happily spit it out as soon as you took a sip. For 15 years now, I have consistently made horrible tea. It takes great effort and practice to reach that level of perfection.

I am extremely focused and dedicated to whatever I do. You would be amazed at the confusion and chaos I create. Again, it takes a lot of will power to reach that level of unorganized perfection.

I am a great entertainer. I can outperform any donkey or monkey. Infact, even in my sleep.  You just need to say the magic word, “Sing” and I can come with the most outrageous sounds, unheard of in the history (as well as future) of Mankind. I can dance like no other mad woman (my dancing skills are even better than my laughing skills).

My beauty has no match. I can look like Medusa, even without putting on any prosthetics or make up. Infact, as soon as I wake up I look exactly like something the cat just dragged in.

I have no interest in frivoulous activities like shopping at local markets – looking for shoes, clothes, bags, or cosmetics etc. You would easily be able to save huge sums of money that I will, with great planning and calculation, spend in dining at expensive restaurants, staying at luxury hotels, travelling in Lamborghinis. Corvette would also do. Infact, I am quite accommodating that way, and would easily settle for BMW’s M6 also. If you can manage to get me K.I.T.T from the Knight Rider 2012 TV series, I will be quite content for the next 2 months and shall not asking you anything about your ex-girlfriends or your female colleagues and even your ogling would be forgiven.

I have my own list of minor and easily achievable expectations. It is only fair that you give me atleast equal if not more in return for what I do for you.

So, here’s a list of things that I would like.

You must be able to

  • look like Derek Shepherd,
  • think like Will McAvoy
  • sing and dance like … Me,
  • love and romance like Romeo,
  • make more than Bill Gates and Carlos Slim, combined.

I also, wouldn’t mind if you have exceptional mind reading skills like Edward Cullen (not that you would need it, considering I would anyway blurt out whatever’s on my mind).

Forgive me for saying this, but, it is extremely irresponsible of you to leave me alone in this fly infested world. I admit I am no damsel in distress but is it not your prerogative to slay all dragons and be my knight in shining armor! Until now, I can only see me being the dare-devil Empress in la la land.

Unlike you who has left me unprotected, I wouldn’t let any harm befall you. Infact, I would conscientiously protect you by scaring away all the flies and bumblebees, with my Ninja like moves, swishing and brandishing my shiny and scary peelers and butter knives. I cannot, however, say that I would do the same incase if mosquitoes were to approach you, since I am known to have lost many a fight against them.

I hope I have given you enough reasons to show up and marry me. I am lonely, you know. My four dogs, three cats, two parrots, one horse and one turtle are not enough to love, cherish and take care of me, in sickness and in health. I need you too, you see.

You know what? I shall take the higher ground here and forgive you. For not showing up until now. As long as you do so within the next 5 minutes.

If not, you may please sleep on the couch tonight. And tomorrow… And every other night. Until you learn your lesson and finally decide to marry me.

Until then… Take care. Eat Well.

Lots of love,

Your loving and thoughtful future wife!

Piyu caricature
Caricature Courtery Anand R
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50 thoughts on “Where Art Thou?

  1. Wandering Soul, I appreciate your name – it brought me to your site via our comments course!
    This really made me laugh and if you have that much humour he is really missing out …
    I actually went out with a guy called Mr Wright and boy did my friends pay me out about that – Mr Wright who was so Wrong for me. I am indeed the person you have written about above, you seem to know me very well.
    thanks heaps, kate

    Like

    1. I agree, it is his loss, though someone needs to tell him that! 😉 last i heard was that he still sleeps on the couch! 😉 😀 Thanks for visiting and commenting. appreciate your kind words. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG 😀

    I had heard that Delhi girls are demanding but this demanding? lol 😀

    This is a humorous piece and I loved reading it. Now I know why you wanted me to read this one. Now I am in awe of your talents 🙂

    I still consider the golf-course one to be your best writing because it has a childlike fancy to it. Very vivid imagination.

    Have a great Sunday!

    Love and light ❤

    Anand 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I didn’t write a letter, but I had a list of characteristics. And I, too, kept loving company with animals as we waited. I imagined him being in the garage working and set a chair for him in the back yard. He found me when the time is right, and you can read more on my about page. We are getting ready to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary right before I turn 60! Have faith! Your future husband is on the way. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ah hahahaha 🙂 Oh goodness. This really made me laugh out loud. My favorite part:
    “And you absolutely must try the tea I brew. You would very happily spit it out as soon as you took a sip. For 15 years now, I have consistently made horrible tea. It takes great effort and practice to reach that level of perfection” This was so great and SO funny. Well done my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! i was really nervous about this post.. was wondering how everyone will take it. I am so glad you liked it and that it made you laugh.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. It was awesome… it made me laugh. It almost made me want to go back to before I was married so I could write one of these! I suppose I could, but if my actual husband ever saw it, I think he’d be offended! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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